on forgiving

 You would think it's scary that you can just not know a person. It's possible that you have spent years with them, figuring them out, putting up the puzzle pieces of their past together to have a clearer image of what brought them in the current, until you just don't know them anymore. You don't know what they're like anymore, what they've been up to, what their mindset is like. All the things you used to keep each other posted about is just no longer there, nonexistent, barely a probability now.

You would think it's scary that someone can just leave the whole picture, but I think this is supposed to teach us to accept that everything is always changing and they're just no longer who you've known them for. You can always keep the old things you knew about them, the ones that made you admire their humanity, the ones that made you stay. You can choose to see them as strangers or to see them as how you used to look at them. Only this time, the sight isn't going any further. You can only hold on to what you have left of them, and resign to the fact that there's just nothing more. And it's really not a sad thing. I think there's both nostalgia and peace in learning how to pick a certain version of someone, and remember them for it even after they have left. It's something that you still have a hold to, something you can still embrace with what's left of you that they have not taken. 

sa mga lumipas na araw

 

Sa palagay ko, may mga panahon talagang nakakalimutan nating magsulat.

Hindi ko alam. Ang huling tulang sinulat ko noong 2017 pa, o baka hindi ko lang cino-consider na tula ang mga nasulat ko katapos ng piece na yon. Nakahiligan kong magsulat ng pelikula nang nakilala ko pa sarili ko nung Senior High School (2016). Hindi naging mahirap ang paga-adjust from poetry to screenplay para sakin. Actually, parang all along sa pagsulat ng pelikula ko pala mas naibabahagi ang sarili ko.

Nakakahiyang maging vulnerable, pero natutunan ko na yun lang ang tanging paraan para maging matapang.

Ito ang unang attempt ko sa pagsusulat nang mas malaya. Walang boundaries. Walang pakealam kung may mali sa grammar. Sa mga lumipas na araw, natutunan ko na ang pagsusulat ay pagku-kwento. Pagbabahagi ng sarili. Ito na yun. Good luck sa akin.

alas

Darling,

I am not in love with you.

I know it now.

I may have lingered my fingers on yours.

I may have connected your moles

like constellations.

It may had felt warm

my head on your chest.

But, that's not all out of romance.

You may tell me you love me,

by the voice of nothing more than rapport.

You may hand me flowers

for they might speak the words

you haven't learned to speak yet,

or you might not even learn to speak at all.

You couldn't care less about what I ate last supper,

and it's okay.

For if this is love,

why then do I trace your skin

all afternoon and still couldn't find any answers?

Why then

does it taste strange on my tongue

when I tell you I am yours?

The flowers you gave me

are all dried out now,

and alas, I let you go.

I apologize for the delay.

I apologize for it's just now

that I have figured it all out.

And to tell you how I truly feel,

I apologize,

but you will have to wait a while.

subtly a birthday letter

November 16, 2016

My first everything,

I cannot guarantee that this may be the last letter I am going to write you. I've been so low on my writing to you that I don't quite remember how the most recent one was like. I am not even sure if I think about you that much still, or I just really can't bear to admit that it has been a habit of mine that I no longer notice you lingering at the back of my mind. But, you're there. You have your own space there and in my own little unconscious ways, that's the only place where you can always stay. 

The thing is, I don't know how to talk to you anymore without actually making myself wanting to jump right over you, rest my head on your chest where I find constant peace in. You are so out of this world. And by world, I meant mine. And by mine, I meant yours. And every time I look up at the moon, I get all these chills for thinking what you have right now is the sun. That what we have for ourselves isn't what we have for each other. But, what we had was awfully beautiful, my darling. However everything must come to an end, mustn't it? Ours is way pass the end. This is the aftermath, and I love you still. And I owe you the eyes that I keep on looking through, to see how much I worth. I can never thank you enough for making me genuinely happy and for the way you have made me see myself. 

Please take care of yourself even when you don't know how to. 

And when you feel like you're missing me, please know that I always, also do.

Your name is engraved in my heart,

M

P.S: I bet your skin is in awe for all the art you mark on it. 

Diskargo

Pasensya na kung lahat ng sinusulat ko sa kasalukuyan ay patungkol sayo.

Alam kong hindi mo ginustong gawin sakin ito, ngunit heto ako;

hindi nga basang-basa sa ulan pero lunod naman sa tanong na,

"saan nga ba kasi nagkulang?"

Mali bang maghangad ng isang bagay na alam kong akin naman nang una pa?

Pero, sabihin mo lang kung kinakapalan ko lang pala ang mukha ko.

Baka kasi iba ang rinig ko sa mga salitang binitawan mo.

Sa bawat ungol ng 'yong bibig ay namumulaklak ng hindi ko maintindihan;

ang bunga ba ay magiging tayong dalawa sa huli,

o hanggang ugat lang pala ang mga pangako mong sinambit?

Mga munting sala-salabid at nakabaon sa ilalim.

Masalimuot at hindi na mapapalabong pa ang uri.

Hanggang dun na lang sa kung saan ko sila natagpuan, at kung saan mo sila pinabayaan.

Sa tuwing yakap ko naman sa iyong bisig tila nalilimutan ang pangalan.

Tila nalilimutan kung saan ang pinagmulan,
tila nalilimutan ang emosyong pilit pinahihintulutan.

Nalilimutan rin kung paano tayo umabot sa puntong ayoko na
subalit patuloy pa rin ang paglingon sayo.

Sa iyo na pilit ko nang lumalayo.

Kasi, hanggang dito lang naman ang kaya ko.

Kasi, pilit mo lang din akong pinapahinto.

Ikinahihiya ko na ngang magsalita nang ganito.

Baka maisip mo, "heto na naman siya,

kailan niya ba matatanggap na wala naman akong maiaaro sakanya?

Na, kung sa akin lang ay wala naman siyang mapapala?"

Hindi ka nagkakamali.

Pero, hilig ko lang kasing humawak ng babasagin,

saka mambitaw nang ganung kadali.

Katapos ay hahagulgol sa sugat na dinulot ng bubog na kaunti.

Hilig ko lang kasing halikan ang mga labi mong pansamantala,

namamagasang magbago ang mga isipan nila.

Na manatili ka pa nang saglit, kahit hanggang sa pumanaw lang ang dilim.

Kahit ang mga tala lang ang aabutin. Huwag na ang buwan,
alam ko namang hindi mo kakayanin
kahit pa at lalo na kung para sa akin.

Hindi mo nga ginustong iparamdam sa akin ang pait,
at hindi ko rin naman ginustong maakit sa pantasyang
tayong dalawa ang magkatabi.

Hindi mo nga ginustong iparamdam sa akin ito, kaya pasensya na.
Pasensya na kung nagigipit na ang pagtingin mo sa 'king mga mata
kasi baka mahulog lang ako nang 'di ko sinasadya.

Pasensya na kung lahat ng ito ay sumasagwil
sa natural mong pakikisama sa akin.
Kasi kaunting galaw mo lang ay nabibigyan ko na ng ibang pagtingin.

Pasensya na kung ayaw mo na lang magsalita,
kasi lahat ng binibigkas mo ay
napagkakamalan kong mabigat sa aking pagunawa.

Pasensya na kung mahirap na akong suyuin
kasi mahirap na rin akong intindihin.
Pasensya na, mahal.

At pasensya na rin dahil mahal kita.